It’s hard to lose and wonder why
I have been waiting my whole life
— from “Constance” by Spiritbox
Love Finds Us
Love finds us
And then, sometimes, it leaves
Whispers, “I’ll be back soon” so softly that we can’t hear
And so when it does, when it seems to fall out of the sky in a lighting-strikes-twice bullseye, we’ve forgotten
No, but that’s the wrong word, “forgotten”
More akin to a dream, the details fading, but the basic structure intact when we wake
Love will leave, but then it will find us
The dream may be faded, but as for love, it never stopped thinking about us
And it remembers how it felt when it was here
And it picks up right where we left off
Until, well, it leaves again
Until it offers the assurance that it will return
Love is the tide; a heartbeat
And in the space between those beats, those pulls and pushes of water, we hurt
Ache
Grieve for the finite
But love is not that way
Not A to B
It hides within us
And we weep and we wail
And it holds us
Invisible, assuring
When I or someone I love is going through something heavy, I look to Spiritbox’s album “Eternal Blue.” Its brutal but beautiful songs have been a constant companion following the COVID-19 lockdowns, a massive 2020 fire that wiped out thousands of homes and businesses where I live, and the cancer my father has been fighting for close to a decade. “Constance,” offered an empathetic hand, crystalizing the ache and uncertainty that comes after loss, how it feels not so much like an end or beginning, but a liminal pause that can leave you feeling directionless.
Ryan Pfeil
I live in Medford, Oregon where I produce videos and other web content for local libraries and volunteer with Sanctuary One, a local care farm. I originally wrote this poem for my mom after she lost her dog, but it somehow offered me closure on the death of my childhood dog, something I didn’t know I’d been carrying. Listening to Spiritbox’s song, “Constance,” after I wrote “Love Finds Us,” felt like an affirmation.
Note: The size of the text box does not allow for the correct formatting for some of the longer lines in Pfeil’s poem. Click here to see the correct layout of his poem.
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